Boundaries
In all forms of relationships, boundaries help you realize what you are comfortable with, and how you would like to be treated by others. Boundaries are also a key factor in sustaining healthy relationships while maintaining your mental health and physical well-being.
However, relationships without healthy boundaries are stressful and unfriendly, and can lead to self-doubt and a lack of confidence between either party.
Myth: Meaningful relationships should not have boundaries.
Fact: ALL relationships should have boundaries in place, and both parties should have mutual respect for one another’s boundaries.
Here are some factual truths about boundaries and how they can work in relationships:
1. Boundaries actually allow us to get closer to one another. It gives us a chance to respect each other’s personal space and downtime.
2. Boundaries create a safe space to open up and share our vulnerabilities. By showing we have respect for one another, we are giving them a safe space to open up.
3. We get to sustain the relationships we want to continue pursuing.
Do you feel as if you need to set more boundaries in your personal and professional relationships?
If so, ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you often feel stressed, overwhelmed or burnt out by the amount of work you put into a relationship?
2. Do you struggle to say “No” to requests from friends, families and co-workers?
3. Do you find yourself avoiding people that you don’t feel comfortable being around?
If you answered “Yes” to all these questions, your needs take 2nd place to someone else.
What is the right level of boundaries between two people? See our graph below:
Here are a few steps to start with when setting boundaries:
1. Clear Communication. Allow yourself to say, “I want,” “I need,” and “I expect.” For example, if a friend or colleague asks you for a favour, you can say, “I want to help, but I need to get this project done.”
2. Stop Saying “Sorry!” Avoid apologizing or over-explaining your actions…You did nothing wrong! If you have a habit of saying “I’m sorry” for things you couldn’t control, try replacing it with “Thank you, but…” If you have a sense of guilt, try embracing those emotions and ask yourself why you’re feeling them, and what you can do moving forward to avoid apologizing.
3. Consistency. Be consistent with your actions, otherwise they won’t be taken seriously. Once you set these boundaries, practice them to prevent yourself from giving mixed feelings to others if you let those boundaries go.
Start with these tips first for setting up boundaries. However, if the boundaries aren’t met by the third party…
1. Benefit of Doubt: Reinstate your boundaries in a clear and assertive manner with the other individual. For example, you can say, “I appreciate our relationship, but remember, we spoke before that about how I can’t go out every weekend…”
2. Consequences: If boundaries are still stepped on, then more enforcement is needed by issuing consequences. Every relationship should have some form of mutual respect. If the third party refuses to respect your boundaries, you will need to issue the consequences, whether it may be taking time away from the relationship, or finding a new job. Don’t feel guilty here for issuing these consequences. Rather, think about your own long-term feelings and happiness, and how you may find the respect you’re seeking somewhere else.
The Outcome:
Short-term discomfort is a small price to pay for having long-term functional relationships.
In the future, you will be in tune with your needs and respect yourself enough to fulfill them. Not only will setting personal boundaries boost your own self-esteem, but it will also actually be a lot easier for you to create meaningful relationships with those who respect you and your boundaries. You will begin to realize what you will and won’t tolerate from others, and you’ll know earlier how to draw the line and enforce those boundaries.
